Love or Codependence: Signs & Ways to Reset Healthy Boundaries

Being witness to the struggles your loved one is going through, whether it’s substance use disorder (SUD) or something else, is not easy. We often want nothing more than to shower them with love and solutions. However, the line between loving support and enabling behavior is often blurred.

Drawing clear boundaries is necessary to prevent creating a codependent relationship and to protect your own mental health.

At BrightView Health, we understand that substance use disorder (SUD) can be just as devastating for loved ones, as it is for the person struggling. If you’re searching for an addiction treatment center where your loved one can receive compassionate care, BrightView can help. Give us a call today to learn more about the services we offer to help your loved one start recovery.

Loving Versus Enabling: Know the Difference

Spotting the difference between loving someone and enabling them can be challenging. However, they are not the same.

“Support that encourages accountability and treatment helps people move forward. Enabling, even when well-intentioned, often removes the natural motivation someone needs to seek help.”
— Katie Spencer, State Behavioral Health Director, BrightView Health

Loving support empowers growth and accountability, while enabling often unintentionally sustains harmful behaviors. Loving and supporting someone looks like helping them with small tasks and offering words of encouragement. Some ways to show support and love include:

• Encouraging them to seek professional help
• Reminding them of their positive attributes and potential
• Helping them find treatment
• Providing help with minor tasks when appropriate

Enabling is when you shield a loved one from the potential consequences of their actions and make it easier for them to pursue their addiction. This often leads to a codependent relationship where they are consistently depending on you to mend their problems. Patterns of enabling may include:

• Protecting them from consequences (e.g., Lending money, paying their bills)
• Downplaying their behavior
• Making excuses for their actions or behavior
• Taking on their more serious responsibilities
• Keeping secrets for them
• Providing them with substances or access to substances

Preparing to Set Boundaries

Laying down healthy, firm boundaries takes a lot of strength. It can feel like you are abandoning your loved one and being unsupportive, but remember that boundaries are an act of care, for both of you. Creating these boundaries can support long-term healing and protect your well-being. Remind yourself:

• You are not responsible for their behavior or their actions.
• You deserve love and support too.
• Their addiction is not your battle to fight.
• You cannot control their choices – you can only encourage them to do better.

“Setting boundaries is not about punishment or withdrawal of love. It’s about protecting your well-being while allowing space for your loved one to take responsibility for their recovery.”
— Katie Spencer, State Behavioral Health Director, BrightView Health

Prior to talking with your loved one, make sure you know the boundaries you want to set. Once you know what they are, it’s time to act on them.

Setting Healthy Boundaries with Compassion

Take a deep breath. Remember that your mental health matters and this helps both of you. Here are some steps you can take to successfully address your needs:

1. Communicate clearly: Know your boundaries like the back of your hand. This will help you clearly state them to your loved one in a way they will understand.
2. Be firm: There’s a chance that you’ll receive push back when communicating your boundaries. Remain strong and firm – don’t let them persuade you into being more lenient.
3. Offer support: Make sure they know you are still there to support them and you care about them. Having boundaries does not mean there is absence of love.
4. Reinforce and be consistent: Actions speak louder than words. Don’t just say your boundaries, make sure you consistently incorporate them in your actions too.
5. Be patient: It can take time for you and your loved one to become familiar with these new rules. Give it time, it will eventually feel natural.
6. Maintain a support system: Having supportive, like-minded people in your circle can help when you are feeling unsure about the boundaries you set. Surround yourself with people who care about you and remind you of your worth.

Discover Treatment at BrightView

Helping a loved one find a rehab center is a great way to show love and support. If you’re searching for comprehensive outpatient addiction treatment, BrightView offers compassionate evidence-based care designed to meet people where they are.

Call us today at 888-501-9865 to schedule an appointment and receive judgment-free, compassionate addiction treatment. We treat you like a person and addiction like a disease.

Cover image provided by Adobe Stock.